Building Relationships with Mentors

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I recently returned home to North Carolina after spending half a day with one of my mentors, Jim Collins. I decided to wait and write this reflection until after my visit to Boulder, CO, because Jim believes in the power and responsibility of mentorship more than anyone I have ever met. At West Point, in 2013, while he was serving as the Class of 1951 Chair for the Study of Leadership, I’ll never forget these words:

“Mentorship comes with a debt, and debt to repay people who have mentored you by serving as a mentor to others. But the thing about that debt is that it compounds….with interest.”

While every single commanding officer I served with valued mentorship, no one emphasized its significance to me as much as Jim Collins did.

In 2009, after my third deployment to the Middle East, the Army sent me to graduate school at the University of Michigan. I entered the psychology PhD program, where I focused my research on leadership and positive psychology, under the tutelage of Dr. Chris Peterson–one of positive psychology’s founding fathers. Like any graduate student, I wrote a bunch of papers. But other than my thesis, I only vividly remember one other paper….one that examined the role relationships play in leadership.

Data on our cell phones that allows text messaging, mobile email, and social media is barely a decade old. Courtesy of technology, we have more interactions with other people today–and are more accessible–than ever before. This has real world implications on our time and how we interact with each other, including our mentors. With that background in mind, I’d like to spend the rest of the article offering some thoughts about how we might cultivate deeper relationships with our mentors.

(1) People are often willing to help us out, but we can’t sit back and hope that someone approaches us, offering to help guide us. While potential mentors are more accessible than ever, most of them work hard to protect their time–so you will likely need to be persistent in your efforts to initiate a personal relationship with them.

(2) Once you do connect with a potential mentor, it’s important to approach that first sit down meeting with specific questions for him or her. And come prepared to explain why he or she can be so valuable to you as a mentor in the coming years. You can build a strong relationship by starting the relationship off on the right foot—by being focused and insuring you come prepared, maximizing their time with you.

(3) Gratitude helps relationships thrive. There are numerous ways you can build the mentor-mentee relationship, starting with a timely thank you note via email. While it takes a few days to arrive, a hand-written thank you note is a true sign of appreciation in today’s electronic world.

(4) “Mentorship ROI.” Over time, it’s critical for you to show your mentor how their investment of time and support is paying off and helping you thrive. You can remain humble, while simultaneously communicating the successes you are having. The more effectively you tie it to advice your mentor has provided, the better; doing this well repeatedly will strengthen your relationship.

(5) Reciprocate. Proactively seek out opportunities to support your mentor in some way. It may not be evident in the early stages of your relationship, but as you get to know each other better, you may be positioned to offer some valuable advice to him or her at the right time.

(6) Pay it forward. As Jim Collins shared, when someone mentors us, we incur a debt and the only way we can make good on the debt is to serve as a mentor to others. One of the best ways to build an enduring relationship with your mentor is to take what you have learned from him or her– -and invest in other people as their mentor. Over time, the relationship with your mentor will grow stronger, but you will also build relationships with the people you start to mentor. And that is a true win-win situation.

Mike Erwin is a Major in the U.S Army Reserves and is the Founder & Chairman of the Board for Team Red, White & Blue (Team RWB).  He currently is the President of The Positivity Project.

Photo credit Runners World

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